I am having trouble finding my voice on this blog and in the work-in-progress I’ve been sharing with you. I decided to write about it today, and went looking for something to jumpstart my writing. This quote from Audre Lorde is the heart and soul of what I’m trying to do when I write. If only I could speak this openly and with this much passion, my words wouldn’t feel so empty.
Then I stopped to ponder her words and realized she was talking to me and speaking for me. My words still feel empty because I’m scared. I’m as terrified to speak my truth as I long to speak for those who don’t have a voice or for those whose voice needs encouragement. I’m not sure how to deal with that fear. I’ve been writing daily hoping that I would overcome it, even though I said all the right words about living with it and not letting it control me or what I write.
I’m not Liz Gilbert, and this is not Eat, Pray, Love or Big Magic. I’m trying desperately to find my heart in my writing, and I’m disappointed because I don’t sound like Audre Lorde or Liz Gilbert or Elora Ramirez. It makes me want to stop writing the same way my fear makes me want to stop trying to make something special happen in my life.
I want you to hear me. I want you to know that I’m talking to you. I want you to respond to my heart. But there’s one thing wrong with all that. I can control the “I” or “me” in those sentences. I can’t control the “you” part. “I can’t make you love me if you don’t.” Those words came from Bonnie Raitt, but it’s the truth.
There’s part of me writing these words to make you love me. That’s why I’m so scared of doing anything. I’m terrified that you won’t want me. I’m terrified that my words won’t help you in any way. I’m terrified that I have nothing worthwhile to offer the world.
I wonder if any of you all feel the same way I do. Maybe if you do, you can raise your hands and let me know. Leave me a comment or a like. Let me know I’m not alone in this.