Survivor’s Guilt


I’ve been reading a lot about different kinds of cancer lately. My mother-in-law passed away from brain cancer (glioblastoma) on March 23, and my friend Lisa from Camp Bluebird (who was my roommate last October) died from lung cancer. Both these women were fighters, and if all things were fair, they would have lived from sheer love and determination.

I have one question. Who decides who lives and who dies? I know that’s God, but how does he figure it out? Why should someone like me have an “easy” cancer like renal? If you catch it early, you cut it out or at most take the kidney with the tumor. I don’t know why I haven’t had to go through so many of the things many people consider to be a given when you’re getting treated for cancer. I wish I knew. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t even speak about my experience, because it was nothing compared to what it could have been.

And there’s that thin shadow of doubt–am I really through with this cancer? Will it come back when I least expect it twice as aggressive and half as treatable? I wish I knew. It is what it is. I just live one day at a time like I’m living with a 12-step  program. I pray one day I get my life back.


About lana1967

I'm a Southern girl at heart who wants to build a community of people who believe they can change the world with words like "love" and "freedom" when they become more than words, but actions in our work and our daily lives.
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