I rethought the image I used in yesterday’s blog post. “Digging deep” isn’t quite the image for this work that inspires me and keeps me going. “Diving deep” is what took hold of me last night.
It’s hard to dive deep into my emotions when I get triggered by things like fear or anger. When that happens, I freeze. The “fight or flight” instinct kicks in, and all I want is to make the feelings go away. But I’ve decided that the best way to get through that instinctive reaction is not to dig, but to dive.
The water is warm and inviting. Nothing that waits for me there can be as frightening. (Yes, I know there are sharks and such things in the sea, but bear with me. I’m in a Little Mermaid sea here. There’s singing and dancing and things to make it better.)
Down, down, down I go. I’m curious. Why should I be scared? Why should I be angry? I’m in the water, floating in ways I can never do on land. I’m asking questions of my emotions to find out why they are following me wherever I go.
They aren’t in “attack mode” in the water. They’re just floating along with me, following me, thinking they’re keeping me safe.
They’re trying to be friends to me. They don’t understand that I don’t need to be protected.
I try to explain to them they’re not keeping me safe. They’re keeping me alone. I can still get hurt when I’m alone, because that’s the nature of being human, being alive, being creative.
I hold out my hand.
And so it goes. Healing doesn’t end in a single moment.