I’ve been feeling out of sorts all day long. I kept putting off writing this post, then I decided to write about how I feel. I’m in the midst of a separation but not actually living in separate spaces yet. The decisions are made–my other half is just waiting to have money to move. We don’t have a tree up. I don’t know whether I’m supposed to expect anything, and when I talked to her tonight about the way I’m feeling, she wouldn’t even look at me for part of the conversation.
Endings aren’t easy at the best of times. Endings over the holidays simply suck. I haven’t felt this way about a Christmas since the first one I spent alone when I was in seminary. I’m trying to catch some spirit, but maybe I’m going about it the wrong way. Maybe I need to find a way to give to someone.
I’m a loner. That makes life hard sometimes. But I do want a community. I don’t always be alone. I need someone to come find me in my cave. I’ll be fine soon enough, but for now, honesty is the way out. It’s hard to be creative when you’re in pain, when it’s emotional or physical pain.
Apparently that’s the lesson for today. But tomorrow will be brighter. I will figure my life out and figure out a way to be part of life again. And if not tomorrow, then maybe the next day. If not, then I’m shooting for the day after that. I still have hope, though it is dim at the moment.